A Story From Olivér

 
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Hello, I’m Oliver from Hungary, I’m 23 years old and a senior University student. This is my story.

As time was running away from me during my school years, I realised how badly I’d spent it over the past 16 years.

I’ve always been a quiet, introvert guy, who wasn’t really social, and kept everything to myself. Let me elaborate, I didn’t share my emotions with anyone, just kept them inside, slowly piling it up until it started feeding on me. I didn’t share the negative things I experienced— if I broke up with one of my ex-girlfriends, I didn’t tell anyone.

All of my high school friends would would say I should go out with them but I rarely did, instead I went home and played games — more comfortable being a couch potato.

Same thing happened when I moved to Sweden to study in Östersund. I hoped that the move would help me become the big guy, and I’ll change, blah blah. And because of my social experiences in the past, I was so fucking awkward, I still can’t even believe that it was me, 4 years ago.

Everyone tried to talk with me and befriend me, but I was just not there. The difference between the education systems of Hungary and Sweden is like sky and earth. I had to do presentations, write academic papers — I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Long story short, after the first semester I moved back to Hungary. My parents complained about my decision, “You studied such an amazing thing at such an amazing place! “, “You’re a pussy!”.

This whole thing destroyed me. At first I started smoking weed with my best friend on a daily basis. I didn’t know what to do with my life. For 6 months nothing happened. He’s come over, we’d rolled a cig and play video games.

Then I applied to another school, because I figured I need to do something because my brain needed stimulating. I got accepted and started in 2014. But the same thing happened — I didn’t know what was going on. So I kept smoking weed, and somehow, managed day-to-day life.

I got pretty acceptable grades, and started to have a little bit of acknowledgment growing within me. I had new friends and became social. Everything was fine. Then the daily weed smoking and playing computer games began to take its toll. I became lazy, not caring, clumsy and messy.  And it affected my grades. I failed 3 final exams and 1 whole subject. I was shocked, but I tried to remain calm. I started learning Ninjutsu so I could get active and I started to reading work by philosophers such as Confucius, Eckhart Tolle and Marcus Aurelius. This was the beginning of me building my mental ground, but in really shaky weed-infused grounds. And it made me calm during the shit storm that I felt myself in.

I slowly realised what I was doing to myself. And I refused to continue doing it. I quit weed instantly, and after 3 weeks, I started to notice the clearing effects. I became extremely focused and could concentrate. And voila — I passed all of my final exams. I even passed that failed course I’d messed up before.

However, old behaviours reemerged and I got into more serious drug stuff this time. Cocaine and ecstasy. And became a minor junkie and had a junkie girlfriend. I still held my emotions and experiences inside and I still didn’t know about MindJournal. So I ended up at a counsellor/therapist because I just felt like shit. I could feel that my personality had deformed. And then, I started sharing my emotions and experiences with someone. And you know what guys? That was the life changing thing.

From that point I minimised my drug use to almost zero and became an open person and more aware of myself and my feelings.

Now I’m dating an amazing girl who pushes me to be better every day. However, my emotions were still a tough nut to crack. But when I could feel everything starting to come crashing down around me (after another drug infused night) I saw an advertisement for MindJournal and bought it there and then.

When it arrived, I finished 5 entries in a row — I had that much shit to empty from my mind. Sharing my emotions is now better because of my journaling. It’s the pure, raw, emotions that I’m feeling. Buying MindJournal has probably been the biggest help for me. It puts me back in place and feeling good, generally, and when overthinking starts happening — I just put everything to paper.

So, if I can give 3 bits of advice from my journey it would be:
Firstly, don’t do drugs! It really clouds your judgment and opinions about everything. It distorts your personality. So, be clean and be your true self.

Secondly, emotional intelligence. What I mean by this, is that it’s good to focus on your emotions and understand them and not over analyse. Understand them and then embrace them. They are yours! It will bring you peace and control. It will also help you share your emotions.

It’s a problem with men that we don’t share and accept our emotions. We were raised to be the strong ones, the ones who protect and show no weakness, because only the weak one’s cry. However, it’s the opposite. The strong ones are crying and the weak ones don’t. If you show your emotions you become stronger. Men are humans too. We feel but don't want to show it. You know why? Because we’re afraid. Not weak, afraid. Afraid of showing how vulnerable we really are. This is emotional intelligence. And MindJournal, is genius because taught me that if you want to be strong, then you have to embrace your emotions. No matter how good or fucked up it is. If you don’t, you’ll just become a miserable, cramped up ball of stress.

And Lastly, acceptance. This is just as crucial as the other two. If you are in a bad situation and you can’t change it, then why bother changing it and stressing yourself? Try and accept it instead. You failed an exam? Why stress about it when you can redo it? Accept it and prepare. Shitty, rainy, snowy, cold weather during autumn and winter? It won’t change for a while. Accept it, stop stressing and get on with your life all the same. Do you feel sad? Do you want to cry? Accept and embrace it, and feel sad, and cry. How to practice acceptance? By accepting, and meditating, 10 minutes per day. Believe me, it works. Also it will bring you peace.

Writing this story also made me relieved. To share it with you guys, that you’re not alone, and never will be. I hope it helped and inspired some of you!

Remember this:  Discipline is not a war that is won. It is a battle, constantly fought.

Thank you for making time to read this.

Oliver


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Ollie Aplin